The Chronicle

Issue date: 9/30/08 Section: Columns
Last update: 9/30/08 at 6:42 AM EST

Jeff Ditzler

I have never been a big fan of country music. I can tolerate it, but there are some songs that are way too sappy for my taste. For example, there's one where the singer's daughter asks him to read her a story, and he says, "I don't know why they say grown men don't cry." If you burst into tears every time your kid asks you to read her a story, I can only imagine the psychological damage you'll inflict on her. Even more depressing is "Christmas Shoes," in which a little boy can't afford to buy shoes for his mother-who's dying-on Christmas Eve. If anything that sad occurred in real life, it might tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Still, it seems unfair to reject an entire musical genre based on a few songs, especially when that genre comes from the same part of the country that gave us sweet tea and fried Snickers bars. So, I tuned into WQDR, "Today's Best Country," for one of their "50-minute music hours" this weekend to see if they could win me over.

The first song was a catchy love song. Apparently, some guy named James Otto just got started lovin' somebody. Then, things got interesting. The band Alabama came on with an older song (from 1982) in which they asked someone to "play [them] some mountain music, like Grandma and Grandpa used to play." The song was energetic, so I had to wonder how many senior citizens would actually listen to it. "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney wasn't bad; it says that if you blink, your high-school sweetheart will become your bride. There was a girl I went to high school with who wanted to marry Mr. Chesney, along with several others, including a boy whose claim to fame was that he ruptured his spleen every year. If I were Mr. Chesney and facing marriage to that high-school sweetheart, I wouldn't want to blink either.

The station kept sending mixed messages. "Should've Said No," a song by Taylor Swift about a cheating boyfriend, seemed calm enough, but it was followed by "Before He Cheats." You've probably heard that one before; it's the one where the girl destroys her boyfriend's car while he's inside with the other woman. It's catchy, of course, but it seems to indicate a songwriter in need of psychiatric intervention. (Maybe her father cried too much when she asked him to read her stories.) The song "I Can Only Imagine," a Christian meditation on what heaven might be like, occurred right before "Here for the Party," in which Gretchen Wilson sings about drinking and driving men wild and "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven" by Kenny Chesney, who adds that nobody wants to go now. I'm not sure about that last part; the writer of "I Can Only Imagine" seemed pretty eager. The most inadvertently awkward song may have been the second verse of "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins. The verse describes a young, newly married woman who is eager to have kids. Her father advises her to take it easy because she's gonna miss this. That's right: Her father is telling her that she is going to miss the time when she didn't have children. That's almost as upsetting as, well, crying when she wants him to read her a story.

To my Yankee ears, my excursion into country music wasn't as syrupy (and yes, I pronounce that word "SEER-upy") as I had feared. There were a few emotional songs, but no grown men in cowboy hats wailing over schoolyard bullies or old men being told they shouldn't drive anymore. I doubt country will ever be my favorite type of music, but at least it isn't dropping the N-word every five seconds or endlessly mourning that it isn't 1968 anymore.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a pair of shoes for my mother...

Note: my next column will be based on an unscientific survey of what Dukies most (and least) want to read in a newspaper column. To cast your vote and see a more detailed explanation of the rules, go to http://thebigditz.blogspot.com/ sometime between now and fall break.

Jeff Ditzler is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Tuesday.

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